NOTE: I have invited the contributions of Stu Reimer to write in this space on the issues of marriage and family. If you follow CRC at all you will know Stu to be my frequent substitute in the pulpit and I am looking forward to his work as my substitute from time to time in this space. Expect his blogs to appear every 6 weeks or so.
Stu is no expert on the things on which I have asked him to write (Just ask his wife and children), but he is a committed reformed Christian and a committed husband and father. His opinions are his own, but I trust that reading his blogs will bring much wisdom and offer much practical value as we try to maintain biblical faithfulness in our families while navigating a strange and contrary world.
Now, on to Stu.
After receiving no hate mail from my initial blog, I realize I am in a good position. Since these blogs come out on Pastor Jared’s page, angry emails will be directed to him. With a new sense of freedom, here we go again.
In my previous blog I ended stating that the hope of a successful marriage rests on Christian foundations. I admit this was a classic case of begging the question. I can hear the questions: does this mean that nonbelievers cannot have a successful marriage? Perhaps a more edifying question, ‘what makes a marriage successful?’ Let me answer those in turn beginning with the former answering the latter in part 2.
1. Is it possible for those who don’t believe in God to have a successful marriage?
The answer…NO!
How can I say that so definitively? Look no further than Psalm 127:1.
“Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain”
I can concede that it is much preferred that a nonbelieving couple stay faithfully committed to one another, loving and respecting each other. When God declares “I hate divorce” (Mal. 2:16), I believe this does not only apply to His people but all mankind. Yet, if all a marriage has done is avoid the negative, surly this alone cannot deem it a success. Even when there are all the external signs of marital bliss, Psalm 127:1 still brings an objective reality. Apart from a covenantal marriage rooted in Christ, everything accomplished is done in vain. Other translations render it meaningless, useless or pointless. Either way the point stands. Apart from God, the effort put into a marriage and the family has no meaning or purpose, leaving it incapable of success.
How would our secular culture respond? They might simply say marriage is successful if it makes it to the end. I’ll assume you can see the fault in using that as the standard for success with many couples feeling trapped inside years of misery but managing to stick it out completely void of anything admirable. The more common answer our secular culture would provide is that a successful marriage is one in which two people are happy together and can settle their differences as they grow closer together. Sounds good, right? Here is the problem(s). First, if happiness is the gauge for success, should not one’s eyes always be open to finding a better partner that could bring more happiness, thus creating a more successful relationship? I say that tongue in cheek and yet obviously our culture has bought into that logic as we look at divorce rates.
Secondly, if Christ has no position in a marriage we return to the dilemma from question one: it’s all meaningless. This is why counseling can never be neutral. If I were to reconcile a couple to happiness void of any gospel foundations, not only would it be in vain, but for their spiritual wellbeing I’ve become a stumbling block. The more happiness my tools and advice bring them, the more I have enabled their worship of the god of autonomy not the God of grace.
As long as happiness can be found through self-help tools and personal willpower, what dependence is there on God and His Word? The secularist may be okay with this type of counselling since he has no desire to include or submit to God’s Word; however, in doing so, he disqualifies himself from answering the question of what a successful marriage is. The best he can do now is offer a personal subjective opinion on the matter. He has no standard to point to. Moreover, how can he give a standard of success when he is hostile to the One who created marriage and who has set forth its guidelines and purposes? “And without faith it is impossible to please God” (Heb. 11:6)
In this blog post I have discredited any attempt secularism has at defining a successful marriage. In my next blog I will turn to the affirmative answer for what a successful marriage is and how only a Christian worldview can provide it.